Pouring my heart out 

I just had a 6 hour conversation, this kind of conversation, on one fine Friday evening. 

About work, life, love and all things that matter and don’t matter at the same time. 

I have always craved for it, believed it is good and important to step back and contemplate about all things in life from time to time. It felt amazingly liberating, as well as confusing as hell. 

And all that is left now is thoughts and more thoughts running through my head all weekend (Typical me). So much that I finally had the courage (?) to start a new blog afresh, to write it out and organize these confusing thoughts, which I always did but hadn’t done in a great while. 

You see, I always describe myself as having this quarter life crisis thing ever since I graduated. For all 17 years of my education life (school 12 years, bachelor’s degree 4 years, master’s degree 1 year) I was never lost. I always had goals and aims to drive me through each step in life, which I worked on it, and achieved all of the goals I set for myself. 

But now, enter the working life. Things felt very different now. Wider, bigger world. More variety of people. More vague. Different paths are left for each of us to choose. They are no longer a pattern or a fixed rule. More freedom, followed by more confusion in my case. 

Where are my aims and goals now? Which direction should I be heading to? In order to achieve what? What is the purpose? 

Of course, there are some typical aims to follow, as society may expect us to – to be good at our job, to perform well, to gain respect and trust from our boss, to earn more, to get a raise, and the list goes on and on. 

What is haunting me is not any of those as I am quite certain I can go along with those fine at this point in my life. 

But for me, it’s about learning and wanting to be good at…something. I want to be great (just like all those years in education, never been anything but the top).

I just read this article yesterday. Combined with the conversation I had, suddenly there are two extreme different thoughts popping up in my head. 

One, yes I have been told quite a few times from many people in life that I have potential to achieve anything, and I would like to believe that. So far I have tried and pushed myself to be the best. It makes sense to continue trying and pushing myself to…somewhere

But is it what I really want? Do I want to try that hard? All those years there were nothing but exhaustion. It eventually felt great to achieve something great, but there were many prices to pay along the way – suffering, stressing, studying so hard, even at one point crying my way, to finally achieve that damn first class honor degree. When I got that piece of paper, I went numb thinking I sacrificed a lot to this, I “suppose” this was “kind of” worth it. 

So here comes my #2 thought. 

Two, what is wrong with settling with something that is “good enough”? Decent job with balanced life. I have more time to enjoy little things, spend more time with people I love, exercise, relax on weekends, read, travel the world, have time for myself, and more. 

It doesn’t sound bad at all. 

But then again, why do I feel like there is something more in me, which can drive me to be greater than what I am now? 

I spoke to my mother about this (as I usually do) and she did say one thing about my personality; I like to feel in control of my life, being organized in my comfort zone. With the “right” environment, I can operate well. So far my life has fitted in that “box” and I am happy about it. 

I spoke to him (yes, I have that him now, still weird to think about it even it’s been a while). His comment? I am still young, still capable to take risks as there wouldn’t be any consequences. If it’s what I want, try. I can always go back and quit if it’s not for me. It’s not the end of the world. 

Which really make sense. 

I was even more lost and confused 3 years ago, when I just graduated bachelors degree. I am still lost now, about where to go from here in life, if I would ever be satisfied with it, constantly asking myself some questions that still remain unanswered. 

I am scared, that one day I could let it go, be okay with the whole thing about career, compromise myself to be happy with “good enough” and just accept it. 

But then again, would that be such a bad thing? Is good enough a bad thing? Aren’t we built to never satisfy with what we have anyway? 

I still hope I don’t need to spend a whole life ahead of me trying to answer that question. 


2 Replies to “Pouring my heart out ”

  1. Pingback: Life Coach | natta

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