How do you know when you have found the right one?

I didn’t know this question would stir quite a few discussion on Twitter, from many people’s different viewpoints, so much so that I was pretty sure 140 characters definitely are not enough to express feelings and opinion on this topic.

It started from some personal talk and brief comment I received earlier this week, as well as this link I coincidentally came across, which made me ponder about it for a bit.

Well, firstly, to make it clear, the definition of “the right one” I’m talking about here is the one that makes you wanna spend the rest of your life with, stop looking elsewhere, and settle down.

In other words, the one you wanna marry. 

I wonder what makes people decide they have found that “right one”

Is it only just because the “feeling” and/or “timing” is right? And how would you know?

I got a reply from Twitter that it’s when you feel content and not insecure in the relationship you have. But honestly, I feel that way with every single relationship I have had so far. Otherwise I wouldn’t be in it. 

To me, marriage with “that right one” feels like a serious commitment, something that I don’t wish to do more than once in life. If I did it at all, it would probably be one of the biggest decisions. As a natural skeptics, over-thinker, and over-worrier, it feels natural to me to raise this question.

Before you tell me…hey, nothing is definite or certain, you never know what is going to happen, people change over time, you can only hope for the best, and all that…seriously, I get it. I totally understand that things don’t work out. Marriage does not equal forever. 

What I mean here is, the decision-making process (Damn it, I sound like I’m conducting some scientific research!) of picking “the right one” prior to that kind of serious commitment, as I assume a failed marriage is undesirable for most people.

Would people give it a thought that they have found the right one they wanna get married? Is it up to the situation at the moment and they just go along with it? Or is it not that serious for some people so they don’t really think?

Then, shockingly to me, there are a few Twitter responses, mostly from guys, who said they don’t believe in “the right one” concept.

What?

To me, that sounds almost like you don’t view marriage as important. You can marry someone who is probably good for now. Go with the flow, only think about that moment? (really?)

There are some comments that said, but sometimes it doesn’t mean you have found the right one, people can get married when the relationship feels right, or some get married because they don’t want to be alone.

I supposed I could understand marriage out of fear of being alone, arranged marriage, or marriage because your family forces and/or wants you to. Finding the right one wouldn’t be considered necessary in these cases. 

But other than that, isn’t marriage mainly about picking the right partner for yourself? 

I’m gonna sound repetitive for this, but hello, aren’t we supposed to spend the rest of our lives with this person?

 (Ideally, but shit happens, I’m fully aware of that).

Some said the idea of this “right one” puts a lot of pressure on your partner and relationship. Why would it be? I don’t mean I’m turning or forcing them into the right one. I’m in the decision-making (this word again, damn it!) and thinking process; whether or not I want to settle down with this person.

What would distinguish them from the rest of previous relationships? What is it that would make you think “stop, I’m not gonna go look anywhere further”? 

Don’t tell me that when you find the right one, you just know. I can’t really be convinced with that. As a person who questions just about everything because I want it all to make sense (even with feelings, I like to analyze it and end up getting even more confused, stupid of me…HAHA), I doubt anyone would have the power to make me stop wondering. Got swept off my feet, drowning in love? That just doesn’t sound like me.

On another note though, it would most likely freak me out a lot when/if that time came. Settling down sounds like some “grown-up stuff” Even though I’m not that young now, so far I haven’t desired marriage, husband, and kids (*shudder*) like many women my age probably do. It certainly is not my goal at the moment. 

(Hell, I don’t even know if I will ever want to have kids one day. It freaks me out like nothing else in the world)

Anyway, this post probably sounds confusing, with lots of questions thrown in. I don’t have clear-cut answers for it, and doubt this is the kind of topic anyone would. I’m just wondering about that “line,” the line that supposedly makes one “final right one” different from the rest of “the right ones” before. I’ve always thought it exists, but, via last night Twitter conversations, perhaps it doesn’t. 

Somehow I wish it did though. Things would make more sense. 

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2 Replies to “How do you know when you have found the right one?”

  1. ”How do you know when you have found the right one?”
    Too be honest you don’t; but you might have a better idea of ”the right one for me” when you have been married (or marriage by common-law) for a couple of years.

    ”To me marriage is a serious commitment”
    I also consider marriage a serious commitment; that’s why you have to work on the relationship every single day. So when it comes down to the decision-making process – that’s like asking a kid what he wants to do when he/she is 30 – but I’ll give it a shot:
    1. A foundation (e.g. shared views on life and values, common interests, like to be around each other etc);
    2. Living as a couple trial (pretty culturally taboo here in Thailand). Yup, the more you actually live with some one the easier it is to see your differences / similarities and ultimately your general compatibility.
    I got married before I was 25 y. o. and have now been married for 10 years – in retrospect I consider this one of my best decisions yet. I took a leap of faith based on how well i knew myself and how well I knew my spouse at the moment – nothing more, nothing less – time is ultimately the judge.

    Liked by 1 person

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