This part of my life. This part right here? This is called, Sadness

Today I learned: Sadness at 18 and 28 feel different. 

Press backward many years ago, sadness means pure excessive emotions; anger, pain, disappointment, blame, hatred toward the things that made you sad. It was like there was fire within yourself. A “hot” kind of sadness. Zero understanding of the situation you were in. 

Sadness still comes visit in familiar form. There is pain and disappointment; distinguished ingredients I can fully recognize. What I did not expect is, it also comes with understanding and acceptance. On one hand, you are so sad and disappointed at something just the same. On the other hand, you grasp the situation and understand the cause of it. A “cold” kind of sadness. It feels so mature it’s almost shocking to feel pain but understand it. Somehow, you’ve come to accept it being this way. 

Most of all though, it’s the tiredness. It’s the emotional exhaustion. After you’ve been through sadness after sadness, disappointment after disappointment, you thought you’ve had enough of them and are immune by them, yet they revisit you, still smack you in the face as usual, and leave you with emotional numbness. 

It also makes you loss for words, something I wouldn’t be able to imagine before. Instead of whining, wailing, and cursing, nothing comes out but tears. You want to scream, but there is no sound. 

Are there any reasons to not make someone jaded and cynical, after such repeated experiences? 

Same shit, different smell. I quoted my ex here. 

It’s just so, so tiring. It really is. 

It makes you just wanna give it all up. 

It makes you lose hope. 


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