On solitary

It was on New Year’s Eve night. A friend, out of a sudden, threw this question up in the air. 

“Is it really that scary to be alone?” 

The whole table went silent. (That was quite unexpected, too). 

Solitary – I think of it a lot these days. In fact, I’m living in it. 

2016 was the year that, for the very first time in life, I can honestly say I lost faith in love. Whatever happened in the past kept piling up until the final string, something inside me, was broken, and I could not go back to the way I once was. I had never been too eager about chasing after love myself, but at least I never eyed it with suspicion, skepticism, and this much negativity, or even recoiled from it, as much as I do now. Too much disappointment could numb you to the bones, and eventually paralyze you. 

It is sad. I’m even sad, seeing myself turning to this kind of person. I very much wish to go back to the old me, being able to face love in a neutral, open-minded way and embrace what’s coming in life. However, at the same time, more and more I start to think this “love thing” is something that happens to other people, in which I’m really happy for them when this miracle happens, but it’s just not for me. 

I am giving up. 

This kind of feeling – losing faith in love – in turns keep fueling the thought of being alone. And, once again, for the first time in life, I start pondering; what it means to really be alone 20 years from now, or for the rest of my life. Logically thinking, what are the things that I need to prepare? 

Funny enough, I don’t think much about the current state of life, when I’m still fairly young and have enough energy. But I think way beyond that, when I turn 60, life after retirement, what would it be to be alone? 

Mainly I think about it from two main angles; health-wise and finance-wise. When I get sick, when I get so old that I no longer can walk or take care of myself, how will I manage my life then? How much savings do I need to be able to take care of myself when I get old, living by myself? 

It was enough. This fear was enough to drive me think about and even search for advice on health insurance and investment plans. 

For the record, never once I thought about life after retirement, until 2016. I swear, that thought of getting old somehow never crossed my mind. Again, another first in life. Is it because of the age, or the current state of mind? I am unsure. 

Current dramas in life and dramas from other people around me did give me another thought: you pick the kind of suffering you want to suffer for. 

Nothing ensures everlasting happiness. People who are married can get a divorce, their spouse die, their children may have serious issues. They have their own sets of problems, different from single people’s. But I’ve come to term that, everyone has their own problems. Everyone suffers, in one way or another, at some point in life. 

Recently I’ve spoken to a 45 year old single woman, and she told me that, you can’t overthink about being single and alone (Well, I overthink about everything).  You need to know how to enjoy your life journey while planning it accordingly. For the rest, for those things that you can’t control, don’t sweat. You can’t do anything about it anyway. Leave it at that, for your own peace of mind. 

I will make sure to remember that. And breathe. Cheers to solitary. 

[Edit: May 2017, Came back to reread and thought this post is too bleak! So I wrote a new post partially in response to this one; on how 5 months later I’ve changed and embraced a more positive outlook on this matter]

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2 Replies to “On solitary”

  1. I love this, maybe, just because your article reflects exactly what I am currently thinking about. It is indeed solitary. I can escape this thought or feeling sometimes, and it was like, well, I figured this out. But I didn’t. New traps of thought keep coming and old tricks don’t work. Things remains uncertain.

    Before my thoughts and feeling go too far ..
    I wish all is well with you.
    Byebye

    Like

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