Too restless

I don’t seem to know what to do in my free time anymore!?

After switching to my current job for about 7 months, working on weekends has become my “new normal” Allocating a chunk of my weekend for work feels “normal” Before this, I hardly had to work on weekends. Talk about change!

In the past 7 months I have never, ever been completely 100% off of work. Even on vacation, I checked my work emails when I was waiting for the train in Japan. I have extremely demanding clients who seem to work 24/7 in their fast-paced, dynamic industry, combined that with wonderful technology called Line chat app, we get messages about work almost all the time, no matter what time of the day. Be it Saturday 7AM, Sunday 11PM, weekdays at midnight or some crazy hours like 3AM, literally anytime, work messages can pop up on my phone screen.

Apart from that, I’ve been taking a short course on Digital Marketing (Free of charge, our MD teaches the class himself and he wants me to learn) for the past 3 months every Sunday. The class will end by the end of this month, and I will get full Sundays back.

I think all of those things affected my brain as I need to be on, on, ON the whole time; keep doing one thing or another. Nothing is ever fast enough. Everything is so rushed.

So a day like today, lovely Saturday, that I have nothing in particular on agenda and no work to catch up(!?), I was at a lost of what to do and just made myself go to the gym. So I would feel like I made some achievement and didn’t waste a day. I know it’s really silly of me. But for some reason I feel guilty when I do nothing all day long.

(Which happened from time to time when I was so exhausted from work and did literally nothing on Saturday or Sunday. Literally nothing. But that was another story. I was really tired, I needed to rest, right!?)

The point is, I just don’t know what to do with myself when I’m free. I get distracted even from reading, which is usually what I enjoy. OK…Maybe what I’m reading is not interesting enough. Maybe I need to switch the book.

But I’m too restless for my own liking.

It’s so weird. And maybe a bit scary because I wasn’t like this. Since I was a child, I was able to focus quite well in school and whatever I did. I didn’t feel this restless when I needed to rest. It wasn’t this bad for sure.

I’m scared I won’t know how to properly focus on anything anymore. It’s really hard to do so when there’s so, so much distraction at work, with the pressure to be “on” the whole time. How to fix this? Can you really keep this going? For how long? Will I have changed even more? Is this mentally healthy? So many questions…(as always).

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