Those leftover emotional scars

This morning I just read this post “The art of pushing people away” from Sophie, one of the fashion bloggers I follow. Whoa. Wow. What a RIGHT timing. It’s been on my mind in the past 2 weeks and resonates to WhatsApp conversation with my friend last night! It’s such an open, honest post and I love how real it sounds, showing the struggle of late 20somethings. Hell, I’m in my 30s and STILL struggling with this.

While I can’t relate to everything she wrote, there are some things that really, really ring true. Let me quote some of her paragraphs here.

I think it’s safe to say when you hit your mid-late twenties you’ve dealt with enough car crashes in relationships and have had to grow a hardened protective layer. Like scar tissue. 

I think the problem is this. You’re single. You’re emotionally independent. And you think you’re fine. Because you are fine. But as soon as you start dating, you realise the scars that still exist.

I want to be adored, but I don’t want to let my guard down and let someone in. I want someone to care about me but I’m scared of the commitment. Are you still following? Because I sure as fuck am not. Who would want to date me? I’m so indecisive! But also, I am a firm believer if you have all of these questions and doubts, that they’re probably not the right person for you anyway.

Everyone says I have high standards – which yes, can totally be a good thing – but what if they are so high they are unattainable? That they don’t even really exist? And well, perhaps the only reason they exist is actually only for yourself, so that you can keep them so very high that it keeps others out of your perfect world where you have control over everything? Your standards become an impenetrable wall to keep anybody else out.

Okay, so I may have quoted half of her post. Damn.

But the thing is, my problem is quite the opposite of her. I’m not afraid to REALLY like someone. And I don’t seek for validation to find some guys to like me AT ALL. In fact, I couldn’t care less. If we hit it off, that’s cool. If we don’t, I never force anything to happen further. It’s easier than ever now to move on, sometimes too easy to disregard any kind of opportunities, when you have a better idea of what you want.

So what’s the issue? I can go on dates, no problem. Once in a while I even initiate meeting up with new people, because meeting new people can be cool! (Doesn’t happen a lot, though). BUT I seem to go on dates and think about all the reasons for this NOT working out. My default thinking is to immediately find flaws of the person and list all the reasons or probabilities of this not being the right one. There are other good things about the person, of course, there are also possibilities we might hit it off, but I don’t look at those.

The older I get, the easier I find talking to someone. I ALWAYS have something to talk about and can connect with people rather easily, especially when it comes to one-on-one conversation. I used to think it was very special when this happened and this person must have been The One. Now I know NOT to mistake the sign. It’s still and will always be really important for me; the ability to have conversation and connection. But it isn’t everything. (See why shit got so much harder now? Duh).

Another thing is, I’m not sure anymore if there’s anyone really looking for a relationship. For some reasons I feel like everyone just wants to have fun these days. No one really puts effort anymore, do they? I know I don’t. How could I expect other people to do so?

What else? I overthink as hell, trying to predict the future, painting all the scenarios and complication of this not being the right guy for me and I’d probably be better off alone, in my safe zone. I’m aware of it, and I REALLY hate how I’ve become. When I was in my early 20s, I was almost the exact opposite; wearing my heart on sleeves and approaching dates with excitement, curiosity, and nonchalant attitudes. I called it my experimenting phase. Even went for relationships without really giving it much thought. And now it’s all about thoughts, where did my feelings go?

It doesn’t help either that I’m quite satisfied with my life right now. My life IS good. It’s not perfect, but I’ve got shit to do while always try to learn something new and become a better, smarter person. I like my job now. I don’t know about passion and all that shit, but I always try to improve my knowledge in digital marketing. ALWAYS. I’ve got my fitness routine that I keep up and want to be better at it. I’m healthy. I’m not a billionaire, but I’m financially independent. I still don’t have debts. I can do whatever I want with no responsibilities much. I mean, what more could you ask for!? And I believe I’m scared to add someone in life as it could make things worse. Seriously though, I gave up hope long time ago to have someone and make my life better. Just be my supportive companion and don’t make shit worse. Even that, it’s still pretty hard to find.

People don’t really believe when I say I’m single. And many conclude that I am picky and have high standards (just like the quote above!). My world isn’t perfect, but I have control with my life for the most part. Adding someone into it is definitely going to change the dynamics. It’s likely that I’m scared of the uncertainty this person could bring. Ah, psychoanalyzing myself here.

Last night WhatsApp conversation with a friend was all about Love, and it made me feel so weird thinking about that word. Romantic love, what’s that? I haven’t felt it in the past YEARS. And really feel ok with not feeling it, this love thing. I told my friend how I could be slightly more emotionally dependent when falling in love, which I suppose natural when you love someone. But I hate that feeling and that word “Dependence” Oh please. Give me a break.

He called me a tough cookie. Not the first time I heard this. And I still don’t have the answer or solution to everything I’ve written here. Aware of it, though. Maybe this could be a good start, for a change, if I want to change, that is.

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