Have you ever felt like when things are happening, it’s all happening at once? But when nothing happens, it’s nothing at all. Hardly find a balance, is it? My June falls under the former category.
The old you
Some conversation I had a couple days earlier made me go back and reread my old blog posts 2-3 years ago and, OH MY GOD, who was THAT lost girl? For once I wanted to tell her, GIRL, YOU GOTTA CHILL! As usual, your old writing makes you cringe, but at the same time it’s such a great reflection of who you once were at one point in time. That was too much. Too all over the place. Too serious. Too overthinking. Too worried. While that hasn’t changed and it probably never will as it’s a part of who I am, I do think I’ve gotten slightly better at it than before. I was not that lost in my career anymore. And definitely had gained more confidence and experience in what I do which is a great thing. Can’t say I’ve figured it all out though, but does anyone ever figure EVERYTHING out?
Funny how you’ve changed in JUST 3 years. I hardly look back and appreciate how far I’ve come. Day to day it doesn’t feel like I’ve done enough and I’m kind of staying still. But I guess it isn’t that way from perspective.
Man, I love my 30s so far. You’ve gained more confidence. You feel like you know your shit more. People come ask you for advice and opinion. Yet at the same time I whine about it and am scared of getting old. A walking contradiction, as always.
Anyway, I got a little carried away talking about the past. Let’s come back to the present. June was, wow, so all over the place, quite dynamic. Someone made me realize the other day how distracted I was these past couple of weeks. My mind was elsewhere almost all the time.
I don’t know how to best describe this so I’m just going to compare it from a business point of view. In business, we always need to set goals and objectives to achieve, right? Then we start setting action plans and tracking progress on how to achieve them. While in personal life, let’s say my goal is to have a long-term relationship, yet my action plan totally does NOT match my goal. Doing what I do, being involved in the kind of situation I am in now is not going to make me get what I want. This doesn’t make sense at all. Does this mean I don’t actually want that goal hard enough? Or I don’t know the best action plan to achieve it? Or business thinking can’t be applied to one’s personal romantic life? (Ugh, feelings and emotions).
So, how to fix this? I still don’t know. I guess I never knew either.
Did have a bit of an identity crisis and not sure who I have become. Why I have changed to be someone I never thought I would be, do something I never thought I would do. Talked to close friends and they all say I’m being TOO hard on myself again (Wait, didn’t someone just say she got better with overthinking things? I guess not, HA!), because nothing I have done is harmful for anyone else.
Takeaway for this? Never say never. It’s not about what you say you are, it’s about what you do, right?
And what is it that you keep having guys whom you judge to have no long term potential showing interests? (See, mismatch to the goal and objective!). In digital marketing, we call this unqualified leads. And nope, they can’t go down our customer journey funnel. No conversion occurred (Yep, I compare dating to customer journey, I do think it’s a similar process, no jokes).
Lots of things happened that I can’t get into details here. One thing I know, though, is I can take things as they are better now and am not as surprised or freak out as I once was. I lived my life in such a box, a pattern, for the longest time. Only recently that I’ve gotten slightly more chill, while don’t try to define everything too much.
And I’ve gotten better at accepting the fact that meeting right person at the wrong time means they are the wrong person. Back then I would have been devastated. It used to destroy me in my early 20s and took so long for me to get over it. I would have wailed and whined and gotten so upset and kept asking why, why, and why. But hey, after disappointment and heartaches, your heart got colder and more guarded, you got stronger. When nothing is in your control or power, then what can you do but accept it and move on? Just like many times you did in the past anyway.
Ok let’s get out of my head and talk about something a bit more substantial here, like new PR on lifting! Again, day to day it feels like I haven’t made progress. But if you look at the timeline, my deadlift was 50 kgs back in October last year, and now in July I could do 100 kgs for 3 reps! I was so excited that I was repping 100 kgs. In February I could lift 100 kgs only once. It took a long time, I could have done better perhaps, but at least I’m going somewhere.
Squat has gotten better too. 75 kgs or 1.5X my bodyweight shouldn’t be too hard now. Lately my squat has been moving quite nicely, better than just a couple months ago. Love it.
Bench will always be my worst enemy as it’s extremely difficult for me to go up in weight for upper body. But finally I managed to bench 30 kgs for 3 reps. Another PR! It has always been my tiny goal to bench with 5 kgs big plates because it looks more badass (yeah…I’m serious). And I finally did that.
I love that I’ve gotten stronger. Love it even more to monitor and track progress (Digital marketing practice, ha!). So far it’s been linear. Why oh why it isn’t linear when it comes to your personal issues!?
[Edit: Then a few days after I wrote that “Progress is linear” I got proven that I was wrong. It really isn’t, either! See here]
You know what, I FINALLY did it! Signed up for Lindy Hop level 1 Swing dance lesson at The Hop. Wow, I really enjoyed it too. Just hearing swing jazz music was enough to make my day. It was so much fun and I enjoyed this feeling of NOT knowing what I’m doing and challenging myself trying something new and fun! We haven’t done much in the past 2 lessons, just a couple steps and turns and movements. But I’ve loved it so far.
It’s such a great community at The Hop. It’s definitely more than just a dance studio but more like a friendly get together kind of place that brings people with same passion together. Teachers were so nice and friendly and fun. It’s also an international setting with quite a few foreigners from all ages. They have social night party after class on Saturday night too. My friends and I will probably join that and see how it goes.
Wrote longer than I thought I would have. Oh, also for some reason I’m getting addicted to getting massage and spa every week again! A bit guilty for that but I’ve felt quite stiff these days. Hmm, maybe lifting can make you stiff? I probably should do something about this, but haven’t read or explored how to fix this yet.
Hopefully I will be LESS distracted. Trying to get back on track and gain my focus back. Get my list of priorities out and just stick to it!