Isn’t it so hard to find balance in life? Last year I didn’t have time to write or think or even feel anything, it was mostly moving from multiple tasks to more tasks. Just stressed and tired and a bit burned out from work. Now I’ve got more time to enjoy life and do more things apart from work, yet life or people who walk into my life disappoint me. No longer stressed, but now emotionally exhausted and drained. And somehow feel like I need to keep writing as a way to release.
Currently in this very strange mood, with a lot of weird feelings boiling up inside. Certainly not emotionally stable like my usual self, and I don’t cope with excessive emotions very well. Combined that with lack of sleep. I’ve gotten 5-6 hours of sleep lately which is not enough. Sleep is so important for me and without it I get moody or even sick sometimes. Plus I feel sore all over my body. Those deadlift attempts left my lower back feel funny, which is scary as hell. I’d definitely, gladly drop the weight and stop pursuing big numbers and would go for correct form and technique to prevent injuries. Really scared of getting injured. Plus heavy squat yesterday got my quads quite sore when I walk now. All of those things didn’t help lift up the mood either.
Ugh. Lots of complaints. Why so grumpy? Why so sad? Also the full intention of reducing distraction and gaining focus back this week didn’t quite work out as previously planned at all. I’ll just need to try again next week, or maybe tomorrow.
Let’s focus on something good, shall we? Whenever I feel down, I try to focus on some tiny little things that are nice to cheer me up. It’s those small little things that count.
PR for Squat yesterday was one of the good things. 72.5 kg now. Honestly I didn’t quite feel it because my lower back still felt weird, but somehow managed to squat. Bench also PR a few weeks earlier. In fact, deadlift also PR for 100 kgs 3 reps, come to think about it. July seems to be a good month, if I stop thinking about that failed deadlift and being too hard on myself. I did make some progress this month!
Another tiny little thing is, I was shared a free chocolate nut butter smoothie with whey protein after a workout yesterday. That was tasty! Insisted on paying but the guy at the smoothie bar didn’t accept. And my colleague who turned friend noticed I feel under the weather today, so he made me hot tea and bought me some chocolate Oreos from 7/11 (Because you know, chocolate fixes everything). Tiny things like this touch me the most. It really reminded me of those times I got sick in Japan and my Korean friend cooked for me, English friend made me hot tea, and Japanese friends came over with lots of food supplies to make sure I was ok. Seriously I almost cried because of them.
Even a conference call earlier with our new agency about Google ads & Facebook campaign plan did slightly make me feel better. Crazy, isn’t it? It probably helped redirect my focus to something tangible like campaign re-structure, keyword search volume, audience targeting and other things. I felt good seeing plans laid out like that in spreadsheets, neatly lining in columns and rows, along with next steps and action plans, unlike something unquantifiable like feelings which have layers and nothing clear cut at all.
At the same time I also feel like whatever happened to me really is nothing to be upset about and it’s all in my head. Last night I talked on the phone with my best friend whose mother has a cancer in a serious stage. Her aunt also just found out she has a cancer initial stage and needs to start chemotherapy treatment. Wow, that was SO tough. I was extremely concerned about her as she had to take care of her family while manage her company. Will need to check on her often from now on. You see, redirecting your focus to other people could potentially make you feel better. When you talk to people who experience really serious issues and tough times, you can’t help feeling like what you worry really is nothing compared to them. I’ve always had this problem that I feel feelings on top of feelings (“I feel bad that I feel bad” and so on). However, it probably isn’t healthy to deny your feelings that they aren’t worth it either.
Your feelings are valid and accepting them, working with them, not avoiding them is probably the way to cope.
Easier said than done, as always.
Natta's Blog 